Where did my mind go to this summer ? Mental health
Hi Readers I hope you are well our sympathies again go out to all that have lost a loved one during Covid 19, Where did my mind go to this summer ? I thought it would be a good idea to tell of my own experience with my own mental health disorder this year.
Im not Bothered what others think so feel free to troll give nasty comments stigmatise mental health all you like if that’s your character my synapses work very well indeed so I take any negativity as people being naive to the fact.
Being Diagnosed with high functioning autism has many back stories and my recent diagnosis of this really opened my mind to the way I have lived or been living I took into account my other issues and why this would supersede most other disorders I have on my file.
One Disorder I cannot escape and the one I’d like to talk about happened after our Covid lockdown so that’s I titled the piece “Where did my mind go to this summer ? Mental health” and I’m happy to give a full run down from when it started to the impact it’s still having.
Where did my mind go to this summer ? Mental health Continued
So readers we had come out of lockdown around March I felt fine until I couldn’t handle the Hypervigilance anymore it was driving me nuts all I could hear was a girl screaming and I won’t take meds so I put up with it best I could.
I started losing weight losing vital vitamins and minerals from my diet and then that’s when it hit me I still remember till today telling my wife “Due to the stress I’m lapsing” now the immediately psychiatric nurse psychologist and psychiatrist all think this is filtered behaviour from a traumatic childhood upbringing with horrific scenes at such a young age ie a 7 year old me was send to the hospital with dad when he was having heart attacks these things a child shouldn’t see and a mother shouldn’t put the responsibility on such a young child.
I felt myself change I couldn’t understand life where I lived I was so unhappy I blamed my actual marriage and nearly lost it can you believe that, in my mind we would of still stayed as a family but thinking that tearing up the marriage license I thought in my disordered state this would make us happier.
What man in he’s right mind asks the woman he’s loved for over twenty five years to divorce just to see if happiness would return, I’m now so sorry that I hurt my wife’s feelings and I apologise to anyone that may of got the bad side of ave this year.
My mind this summer the coroner’s court !
Behind our garden is the route road to the crematorium of Woodvale and the coroner’s court now most don’t know this or care but I spent most of my summer fighting off suicidal ideation that got my over analysing my problems and thinking that suicide was the only way out.
now before I continue I want to you to know this does happen every year there’s not many 42 year olds that can say they’ve had a long term CPN for over 20 years, this year was the most intense I’ve ever been without actually acting on my thoughts.
Feeling Hollow and spending days thinking Where did my mind go to this summer I now know where it went and it was not nice, coming out of this lapse recently and finding cognitive thinking I thought things would be ok now till next year.
This was not the case ! I had come out of an eight month nightmare yet the girls around me had all kinds of coughs and colds and I contracted one of these and oh did it feel bad 😞! Don’t know if I can live with a family of four all fine and say it was Covid so that was ruled out.
OCD back to being me
I lasted about two weeks with a chest that felt like it was on fire my ribs felt like they were falling apart I was lethargic I had private issues and didn’t really calm down until I’d spoken to the dr
The OCD has taken over I now am obsessed with not only the complex of losing so much weight but as a NHS client that didn’t want to bother them during Covid I started feeling lumps and bumps.
Im hoping to get an all clear from the dr after the X-ray Is completed I may even have my bloods done and hopefully get the all clear I lost my father when I was just 15 he passed of chest issues so I think about that a lot now.
Im now obsessing daily I find little bumps and my heart sinks and every time my poor wife has to reassure me, it’s where I’ve lost so much weight I can now feel things my body may not of picked up on when I carried more weight.
Passive aggressive but left feeling like a victim
It was our first summer here and after Covid lockdown everyone got their stamp duty chloe and josh were pushed out of the home upstairs and the owners appeared the same time I started the fence.
To cut a long story down to get our garden to look nice for when their agent showed round potential renters that when they looked out of the garden they sited health safety and pest control to my brother in law
This resulted in me running around to please a couple I’ve never met fence a garden whilst hiding the old fence panels and cleaning up the garden they even had the cheek to ask me if I’d take my gazebo down during the sale.
I wrecked my ribs and chest my good wood went green I felt like a proper stupid idiot for listening to the people around me and all for what ? They didn’t even sell they re rented for a 40 pound increase on their rent.
Being of intelligence I should of done more to get self satisfaction my poor wife brought more wood hoping to cheer me up but after feeling I was used sd lied about by both parties and the flat owner not helping at all this built up inside.
If it was a favour and they asked me directly and nicely I would of agreed to make the garden nice even though it has nothing to do with the flat above, this still sits in the back of my head and I hope my CPN can help me to forget the wrong done to me.
How do you know your not psychotic now !
It’s hard to explain that one day you arise from your bed a clear head and FEELINGS ! These usually start off as guilt and shame as you try and remember the lapse then the great feelings start to appear again like I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY
My cognitive thinking is back to a certain degree and I’m able to function like I have some sort of life, I bought an Ebike can you imagine it a beautiful mode of transportation and I’ve used this £1400 beauty just once. Now I’m feeling much better I intend to use this and go and find time to think about Where did my mind go to this summer.
I need to state that yes I was moody incoherent fatigued and in pain yeah I still did my fatherly duties sometimes being kicked in the ribs by your baby isn’t the best way to get some rest but spending time with my little angel is one of the highlights that I feel keeps me grounded most of the year.
In laymen’s terms my daughters had little to no knowledge of my illness this year my 18 year old had noticed my lapse in my character and my wife explained what stress induced psychosis is and how far someone needs to be pushed for it to accrue.
Now it’s my turn to be happy go lucky !
I started as said in previous articles that I started a community venture here in Brighton and this accident that turned into me being a gardeners handyman really took off ! The work orders had me keeping sane but still with that screaming I heard all summer.
I made planters Quirky pieces custom pieces cold frames and I even have long term orders I need to be working on, I’m going slowly I’m still not eating properly so this is supplemented with weight gain and as I regain my weight and body mass I hope I can mend my ribs to the point picking up heavy objects is ok again.
The work has died down which for now is a good thing whilst I do my best to recover it’s my second wedding anniversary on the 2nd of November so I’m looking forward to showing I remembered lol, I did make my wife a seat out the garden that’s in her dads memory she also wanted a new phone and iPad with flash to take pictures of the baby (plus apple advertising is her or my kryptonite either way it’s my pleasure I have received two beautiful daughters in return.
So my friends now will be the time that I brave the rain get under my gazebo and start churning out what I’m doing and that’s seasonal carpentry! The summer has finished I’m expecting to make the odd planter or cold frame but next is CHRISTMAS
Christmas trees to help others !
More and more people in the U.K. are decorating their gardens on special occasions than ever before some even do not buy a tree as they see cutting the forests down as unsustainable or for other reasons and don’t believe it’s right to have that little part of a massive fir that’s been logged.
We have come up with alternatives that I’ve started this year, yes I want to reopen my 3D printing project but until the printers have been serviced I’m running just the two ventures, the trees in mind are for both indoor and out with us starting on our first four.
Ive seen lawn trees made from pallet slats sell for ten pounds each and there was a selection of colours, what you’ll notice about ours is my wife’s been to a cheap shop (I won’t lie ) as add ons soon mount up.
This gives the new owner a tree that’s not just pallet slats but woods from expensive offcuts and all I’ve seen lately is the 2D Christmas trees I’m hoping to build a few sizes of the 3D looking kind the wife I’m sure will decorate them then we are after as much MONEY AS POSSIBLE FROM THE SALES
We want to give half the proceeds away.
Ahh got ya there you thought I was trying to get rich 🤑 lol I’m just jesting we actually believe that half the money should go to charity this Christmas we will use our half to replenish supplies I use to work but for every sale half of the proceeds will go to a worthy cause.
There’s two in mind one is the U.K. children’s school meals initiative as you may of known the country had to fight its own Parliament just to keep little kids fed well it won’t last forever and if we can even get 1 meal for a child it’s better than nothing (we hope to do well)
I would agree that selfless acts of kindness are usually made from a good thinking cognitive mind and that’s how mine is again now, I’ll use the time I have before my next lapse (unfortunately it’s every year Debbie isn’t pregnant) wisely but I really want to catch up and spend time with sienna she is saying dad now so I’m so happy.
Any questions about mental health suicidal ideation OCD EUPD high functioning autism and other disorders please do not hesitate to get in touch and if you have a mental health disorder or story you would like just remember we can be as anonymous as you like just as long as your story is of fact
I’ve thanked those in a previous article for our GOOGLE REVIEWS this will help the website as it grows until one day I hand everything over to my girls and for them to have a back catalogue of five star reviews Even trustpilot reviews go down a treat and we thank you for them too.
Also please remember yo do not ever have to suffer alone if you don’t have help reach out there’s always good over evil, my articles are testimony not only to my girls in the future so they can read what I’ve written but this goes out to those suffering right now also.
My confidence levels are back but that’s not to say it’s easy to wear your heart on your sleeve there’s haters out there and I’m divulging information that could be used against me, if people don’t write down true experiences how do the naive get a true picture of what it’s like to have a different you inside your own self for most of the year ?
Lastly thank you to those that knew I was ill but were amazing at keeping between us I’m thankful for those I’ve spoken too that helped me on dark days, it’s astounding just how close you can become to those you only wish you could meet I’m blessed with my family but I’m also blessed with lots of others that have a genuine concern.
A reply I wanted to share
Message: My dear Eiffion, it takes a great deal of courage to share your thoughts as you did herein this blog. I applaud you for sharing your innermost feelings and emotional pain. What you are doing here is important on so many levels—mental health and illness is not to be kept in the closet or swept under the carpet. We all need a vehicle; a soundboard if you will to share our thoughts and worries and fears. 2020 did not start off well for the world and has not been a stable time during this pandemic. So many of us are emotionally drained and filled with fear and dread. Hang in there and keep sharing with your readers. And stay healthy—you have a beautiful family (human and furmaly) who need you. I lost my father at 18 and I wish I had the chance to spend more time with him. Be there for them. You are won’t regret it. Much love from across the pond,
Your friend always,
Wynne aka Moishe’s Mom on Twitter.