Im off to the lighthouse in 2020
Hi readers, as always I hope all is well with everyone out there and all looking forward to Christmas, so Im off to the lighthouse in 2020 is a mental health related article but does benefit the website in the long run.
Amongst the PTSD and OCD diagnosis I also suffer with a disorder called unstable emotional personality disorder or EUPD for emotionally unstable personality disorder both are the same thing.
One in every ten men have a version of this Disorder as studies state but as men do not normally discuss emotions it’s not easy to get an accurate figure, it’s said that one in four ladies present this disorder too.
I currently see a CPN ( Community psychiatric nurse ) Jude from the east Brighton mental health team and have done so now for over twelve years (the illness has been that complex) that’s about the same time I’ve been collecting too.
Im off to the lighthouse in 2020
What is this light house and why am I going ? The light house is a project run in my home city of Brighton it’s a place where only a CPN can refer you and they work strictly only with those of a personality disorder.
Now I have the unstable emotional type but the lighthouse project works with those suffering with other personality disorder yet I’m to meet anyone else yet that has the same issues as I go through.
It was decided that if I wanted to be an even better father (second time round after seventeen years of trying ) it would be a good idea to get a grip now on this haunting of disorders I’ve certainly had enough and just wish to feel / be happy and content daily.
A failed attempt by my CPN to get me into the lighthouse project has been due to my own doing, I never used to see conventional help helpful I missed sessions and meetings and half the time I was so psychotic I was unable to function properly let alone go to meetings.
What’s changed !
Me for a start ! I’ve become so aware of the illness I carry I want to learn how to manage my thoughts and learn skills through the lighthouse project to change my mindset, imagine having suicidal ideologies and half an hour later fearing death itself well that’s part of what I go through daily.
Clonazipam is a medication I take daily and this pill I feel has saved my life and continues to do so, yes there’s some days I want to stay in bed where the pills haven’t done their job, I do cope most days but still have a day filled with confusing and conflicting thoughts and emotional breakdowns.
This become most evident earlier this year when I started the new hobby of 3D printing the process of getting this to work is relatively simple and I had success for a while, one day I couldn’t level the heat bed to print with and just broke down.
stress induced psychosis started to settle in yet again and a few days later without any kind of warning I just walked out to sea on our local beach I had not gone out to harm myself but from the time I had left my apartment feeling ok I had totally changed within the time it took to get to the beach from home.
All I can recall was thinking of an old film called plague dogs ! An animated film like water ship down but where two best dog friends escape a testing facility and I think they took Alcatraz prison as inspiration as the dogs thought if they could just swim long enough they would be free
it’s obvious how the film turned out those dogs never made it to freedom in the sense they reached land but after going through so much pain and grief in their life they were free but this freedom was of course their lives.
Hoping lighthouse helps me see the light !
Before I carry on I did come round at the beach I heard shouts from those on the pebbles standing by my things and I did snap out of whatever sent me so down this path, my wife was told my CPN was told and that’s when the idea came about
In my forties now and with a new arrival just around the corner dads cannot be doing things like this and for the righteous out there I’m not selfish there are those that can handle life and have a cognitive thought process and I’m the same yet THE DISORDER seems to be part of who I am.
I would like to learn from others how they cope in such situations I want to meet others like me and try and create friendships but mostly I’m going there to learn about myself and the baggage I carry so heavily as my CPN expresses it.
Two recent deaths in our family means this November has been a terrible month for us and other families too and me adding to this nightmare we all seem to be in is not something I wish to want to do, after my wife lost her dad I want to be a rock not a hindrance
Learning new skills at Lighthouse from CBT to SEO
Not knowing if others out there run any kind of business or enterprise with a mental disorder I’ll be taking my venture with me collectibulldogs is a big part of my life and if they can help me then that’s brilliant.
From finding out if collectibulldogs is sidetracked due to its owner’s honesty about mental illness and own experiences I’ll also get access to learning new skills and developing/ incorporating them into either day to day life or my experience with running collectibulldogs.
Awards show the website is a winner and I’ve had kudos from unlikely sources about how I’ve been able to not only create the worlds first bulldog memorabilia website, professionals are astounded by this and the fact I’ve been in a relationship with my wife for nearly a quarter of a century
Both I’m told are to be commended not only have I had a successful relationship and bought up my first child nothing like I was but also the website the collection and just how articulate I come across, in the assessment done it’s stated these traits are seldom found with people carrying the complex illnesses I’ve been unlucky to of been burdened with.
The Lighthouse Check back in a years time !
Years ago I would of gone but only as I keep to my word but this time round I’ve had my life in the balance more times than I’ve ever had the guts to write about and now it’s time to grow up and finally face what ails me
Im not looking for miracles at the lighthouse project that would be foolish I’ve been looking for one now ever since I first got depressed after losing work opportunities when I had this, PLEASE READ About Me , but creating collectibulldogs, collect thousands of pounds worth of antiques and creating everything around it is my idea of sticking my finger up to life’s downs
Part of our inspiring is to try and reach out to others suffering with any issues that they feel are an obstacle to doing what they want in life yes it’s true collectibles and this niche isn’t for everyone but it worked for me so why not share that.
Hopefully in a years time I’ll not only have a new home for my ever growing little family but more experience over the disorder I’m trying to tackle and in this learning maybe I’ll find some peace regarding feeling like a failure.
There’s more to life than social media formats, website domain authority and even website views yet I fret over these continuously it feels horrible when seeing poor analytics for the day but I need to get over these silly things and think about what’s actually really worth worrying about and what to just let go of.
Next year I want to be a more confident man just like I used to be I want to lose this disorder down the line and I also want to ask the right people to help create this website into a successful one there’s only the one English bulldog memorabilia website so why not ?
And lastly From The Lighthouse
I’ve been open and honest about my mental health from day one it was never meant as a ploy for visits or sympathy but felt it right to show that people with mental health issues can be successful even if they have disorders so bad sometimes life is in the balance.
If you feel I’ve touched a nerve you should seek help trust me there’s nothing more precious than life but when your own brain is your own worst enemy the results can be catastrophic or even life ending so seek help ASAP.
I would like to sincerely apologise to those out there suffering and either still waiting to be seen or those countries that either do not have or need to pay for mental well-being organisations like the lighthouse here in the UK
Do Not Suffer In Silence it’s not worth the years you will lose again trust me, one day your a carefree twenty something year old enjoying life’s bounty and then before you’ve had time to think your middle aged spent most of your life in mental agony and all could of been Alleviated if only help was asked for.
At collectibulldogs not all our articles are antique driven, some Serious thought was put into wether the owner opened up not only due to embarrassment or fear of stigma but would the idea of sharing mental health make folks think “this person is crazy” well I’m here to say it’s not the nineteen eighties anymore.
Disorder or not achievements are what they are, I was just about to state the media doesn’t lie but that’s a big fat LOL yet it’s true we’ve been on all three formats paper radio and TV, the first to do this and the first to exhibit bulldogs just for being bulldogs no hidden agenda or history just our beautiful antiques on show.
Please feel free to email us at collectibulldogs wether it’s for a personal chat advice on what I’ve learned so far or just a chat in general, DONT feel your on your own, spatial awareness and the lack of company does not mean you cannot reach out and there’s an ear here waiting.
Thank you to those that read this I’m not sure if google mark our mental health articles as spam if so they shouldn’t as it’s felt opening up is both useful to others and helps one to convey how life is as I need my cognitive thought process to work if I’m to keep collecting the best.
The lighthouse update 2022
Hi readers it’s astonishing that it’s now two years on and I’m still waiting for my assessment to finish and for the lighthouse project to say yes or no to taking me on, my assessment started just a couple of months back and is on going. Do not get me wrong I’d love to be part of the project but it’s expensive getting there and feels like a bit of a drain to go and tell people what you can just put into an email
My Disorder is such that I am a perfect fit for the project but I feel the way I might moan say about travel expenses they may wonder how I might get out to the lighthouse on the days I’m there for therapy, this happens a lot in my world people often forget I have my own brain and can work out how to travel a few miles I’m still allowed to have a moan up the taxi fare each trip is mounting up and as I’m not a client I cannot secure my bike there during the assessment.