Covid 19 lockdown Hypervigilance issues
Before starting our sympathies are with all those suffering or have suffered through this horrible time Covid 19 lockdown Hypervigilance issues, it’s not easy explaining mental health when your in the eye of the storm.
After a phone call with my CPN it was agreed that I maybe having some issues, psychotic is a good word to use yet other than really bad Hypervigilance I feel I’m ok, this issue has become a pain and sometimes keeps me staying in the bedroom.
I never had this issue before we moved and it didn’t erupt until the Covid 19 lockdown started, as with regular folk that are used to a routine my brain does the same but I don’t usually have pairs of eyes on me.
Im not here wanting to be sounding selfish but to teach others about mental health, all the poor folk looking out their windows chatting is something I’m not used to and being to scared to sit in your own back garden is not normal
Hypervigilance what is it ?
There’s various categories to Hypervigilance most are of the same in signs of psychosis and involve hearing conversations about ones self and usually these are of a nasty kind, imagine your doing your thing and you over hear something negative about what your doing
The Embarrassing part of course is shouting out replying as without a proper diagnosis my psychiatrist cannot see if my brain has been effected by what’s going on and wether I need additional help to combat this issue.
A video call in the next couple of weeks will put resolve to this one way or the other, due to the lockdown I’ll be offered antipsychotic medicine until it’s possible to go see a professional in person.
Today was the first time in over two weeks that I’ve ventured back into our back garden, I spent time cleaning up under the gazebo and put up new lights (Porscha ate the others) and yes there were mutterings but I ignored and carried on.
Two parts ! If you can hear voices out loud and you believe these voices are real with negative words and your brain adds the rest of the negative words you think you couldn’t pick up then your classed mentally as having Hypervigilance,
If your hearing conversations but cannot tell if they are from a local source like your immediate surroundings or in your head but sound like others talking about you that’s Hypervigilance too but classed as having psychosis.
Living with Hypervigilance
How it all started, my father had Victorian ways and was very physical was abuse and one rule as a child in this hell home was face the wall and go to sleep or else, my ears were first used to listen out for my dads knees cracking as he would sneak upstairs to try and catch us out.
When I was sent out to the shop on a drug ridden estate where the sellers kids bullied us to death (daily fights and beatings ) I used my ears very well I was not turning that corner if I knew 5 or 10 of my worst nightmares were standing outside the shop and what parents send their children for cigarettes.
very bad parenting and an incident you can here about on the Vimeo link has had me ill for most of my life, professionals are gob smacked at how articulate and intelligent I am (their words) someone with complex mental health does not normally reach the highs I have and over come.
Im still Very capable even when ill I do not show or present my mental health when being a father and all that know me personally would say (I didn’t realise ave had mental health until I was told) I cook I clean I do everything you all do lol.
The problem with Hypervigilance indoors is the night there’s distant voices and noises that I can distinguish from as our home is surrounded by other small houses and flats but what I don’t look forward to are noises that others find normal dripping water the after flush it’s all SO LOUD !
No medication please !
Before the Covid 19 lockdown and folks were getting on with daily life so was I too, wether it be working out where the best place to display my collection or chores or out the back garden getting it ready for nice evening garden parties
The Hypervigilance started a few weeks back and today was a positive one so as I have been able to change my mindset before I intend to do the same and not take the antipsychotic medication that I will be offered.
By creating a place of privacy I can now enjoy the garden more and with the lawn now grown the fence can be taken down, this makes getting to the quiet place easier, it’s nice to be able to sit and show live videos and just chill in the daylight sun
The garden or anyone’s garden I think now shouldn’t be taken for granted and the videos are just for those stuck indoors unable to see the outside world You can find our live clips on periscope I for one cannot wait for better weather to get the BBQ going.
Preferring to battle this the hard way is better than medication as I have been on these before and the side effects would make my life one hundred times more horrific! Insomnia paranoia seeing things, low bloods,putting on weight and all the other bad things that come with antipsychotics.
As like today if the weather is nice I’ll go out and spend time outside there is a big risk that I could lapse and run straight back into the bedroom yet that’s the chance i have to take, by being firm and refusing to let any audio distractions get to me will be hard at first but hope gradually easier.
Proudly Loving our garden otherwise
Myself and my wife have been together for 25 years and we got a home with a garden we were all excited and still are, the garden has been changed a lot but that happens with new owners and I have personally enjoyed all that has been done so far
There are now lights everywhere (solar powered) and above the reach of Porscha, I’ve created a pond of remembrance as a surprise for my wife to remember her dear father and the biggest accomplishment other than the hours spent outside is the lawn.
Two weeks of taking Porscha out and not using up certain space has created a lawn that we are told was unable to handle a lawn and Astro turf was to be an option, defying the odds I have succeeded in growing grass yet hopes of it remaining needs a think
Not the biggest of lawns Porcsha loves the grass but to the point she treats it like a race track, enjoying the afternoon and doing a live feed on Twitter today bought my attention to this dilemma ! Under the gazebo is a bird feeder I’m working on and will hopefully be an obstacle to stop this tearing up of my lovely lawn.
Its no biggie that I’ve shared this I’ve always been open about my own mental health and not to sound brash the fact I’ve achieved so much whilst struggling only makes collectibulldogs more special and I hope it reaches others out there so they know they are not alone.
there’s no need to troll me I’ve heard it all and do not care if others know my mental state, I have a beautiful wife a beautiful family a lovely new home, our baby is gorgeous and the sun shines as lovely as ever.
mental health will become more relevant as either we stay in lockdown and or if lifted there will be a surge of people experiencing mild to moderate mental health issues so to add reliable true to life content can only help to dispel the myths that surround mental health.
Ok so that’s me for now, please wish me luck for tomorrow, if the weather is nice enough I wish to continue with my woodwork (it was easier at limited editions ) bird feeders a squirrel feeder and pond ornament are on my list so fingers crossed and stay safe stay indoors and keep each other safe out there